Look at all you happy people wish I could be like you

So its been a long long time since I have last filed an entry unto this horrible format. The year of our lord 2008 has been a long a tumultous one. Full of ups and down, triumphs and setbacks, hilarity and then despair. Such is the manner of all things. Still I cannot quite be sure what feeling to subscribe to the current period of my existence. It is not quite utmost despair as it felt a few months ago, yet still it is not utmost brilliance as it was a long time ago. A pergotory of sorts caught in between two worlds.

I say to myself its wonderful, wonderful

So recently Burger king has launched some sort of ad campaign/pubilcity stunt called the 'whopper virgins'. In it they go to remote areas of the world and find people who have never tasted a burger or know what a burger is and have them compare the big mac and the whopper. They have heralded it as the first 'pure taste test.' Out of sheer curiousity and not a small amount of boredom I went to the website on the commercial and watched the video. I watched a few minutes of it with the taste test and such and then I got to a part where they were going into these remote villages with a portable broiler and making burgers. I could not help but wonder if there was really some sort of insideous design for these people other then having them sampling and comparing two different burgers. Here is a people in a part of the world that has not been exposed to artery clogging, obesity inducing fast food. An entirely fresh market. Well by golly what a better market to expand out horrible franchise unto? It must have been somewhat difficult to find a part of the world where people had never heard of fast food. I say to these villagers, resist! its all bad! bad for you and your people. Dont let those corporate assholes trick you.

I can't wait for you to operate.

Long lonely Saturday in the dark. Well not literally but it feels like as I had woken up around one and by the time I really got going it was pitch black. Not that I mind that fact, in fact the early dark is one of the most inspiring aspects about this time of year, that and the cold. I enjoy conditions that most people horribly detest, does that make me a weirdo? Who the fuck really knows just random thoughts on a random day at a random time in the world. So many things going on in the world, people being killed, having sex, fermenting revoulutions, fighting, struggleing. A vast tapestry constantly unfolding right before our eyes. Feel massively discouraged. Word.

I got styles all of them sick

Fuckin assholes. Ahhh why I harbor such rage and hatred towards soo very many indivduals I perceive have done me wrong. Shits fucked up. No real answers and the more answers I seem to have unearthed only reveal more questions. Perhaps its because I have no one to lay all this bullshit on so I simply speak to no one in this internet vaccum. All though that is alright for me because I write some fucking crazy shit up in this bitch that I dont know if would want any old fucker to read. shit.

Christopher Columbus is a damnblasted liar

Maybe i'm taking things a little extreme but I think we should go back to the practice of putting insane, and generally unbalanced people back in asylum's and out of the general population. Truly the world would be a much more peaceful and better place. Road rage incidents would likely decrease, murder might go down, things would be better. Either that or just give them all lobotomies and drug them up to the point where they have no idea whats going on. The psychopaths, the ones with no regard for others or the rules of society. I mean when you think about it these people really only one step away from becoming serial killers or bank robbers or perpetrators or general mayham.

I've had the time of my life

For me the gym is like the Muslim pilgrimage to Mecca. I feel obligated to go if I have the oppurtunity and the means. Mainly if I have the day off or I can wake up before I have to go work and have enough to to go. Although I dont always abide by this standard I like to think of myself as somewhat consistant. As I went to day although I am now proceeding to get entirely fucked up for not apparent reason at least I have gone. I have at least done something at least remotely productive at some point. Sometimes I think everything with me would go better if there was someone else making all the important decesions. I dont know what the fuck im doing or am supposed to do and how to do it and thinking about it bewilders me even more. Who the fuck knows? But one thing I know is that I could in theory be doing a whole hell of a lot more then I am right now. FUck.

Unleash your anger, only your hatred can destroy me

The darkness is a powerful force. It can pull you in and have a hold on you for extended amounts of time. It can seem to envelop your very existence and strip away the redeeming qualities of everything around. I was just thining about how I have let this happen to much. To focus too much on negative things in general and thing I hate rather then things I enjoy. It can become a difficult habit to break. Harboring deep resentments and deep grudges over very real and perceived slights can take its toll on a person. To warp their very nature into a nasty caricature of who they really are. Still its important to take stock about what really matters. What is pertinant, how we could better ourselves in and in turn better others.

Rock 'n roll can never die

Never consuming burritos from seven elveven ever again. A cursed and wretched form of cuisine they truly are. Among the most dispeputable 'foods' ever created. Woke up late again unable to accomplish anything except making the horrible trek to work. Which isn't even that bad in and of itself it just sucks when its the only thing i've been able to get done in a day. Got bad heartburn from that shit and now my throats all fucked up. Should file a lawsuit against those fools. Damn. I want to be one of those people who sees the silver lining in everything who maintains a strong positive outlook upon life but I don't know if I can. Don't feel like im a total cynic I would like to believe there is good in people and the world but its hard to believe it sometimes.

We got to get over the hump

Fuck. It is now almost nine in the morning and I have been going since sometime around four thirty yesterday afternoon. There is a host of things I must do today and I feel wholly unprepared for any of it. Well not really a host but really like two things I need to do. Still i am amazed I have been going this long usually the steam would have long since wore out. Awkward interactions late in the night. Strange how female friends are such a strange beast. Probably shouldent have hooked up with her in the first place didnt realize shit would get so weird. The weird weather has subsided somewhat. Don't want to absolutely alienate anyone and everyone with whom I know enjoy cordial relations. Thats what is interesting about human relations. I could right now easily alienate and completly freak out pretty much everyone i know yet it seems the far more difficult task of cultivating good favor and friendship amongest a large amount of people. Perhaps it is easy to be an asshole all the time. Especially if you are not particularly aware of it.

Money aint for nothin chicks for free

Horrible godforsaken heat and humidity in the middle of november. The signs of a coming apocolypse? It would seem so to this observer. But perhaps I am exaggerating just slightly. In any event it sure it creeping me the fuck out. A lazy saturday alone in my god damn room with little to ouccupy my time except thoughts of how fucked up it all is outside. If I wanted sixty degree weather in November I would live in Miami by golly. Speaking of states which to me seem to have no merit and that I have no desire to ever set foot in I would say Florida probably ranks among the top. I think part of the beauty of New England is its diversity of weather that it is constantly changing. From horrible intense humidity in the depths of summer to intense cold in the middle of febuary you never really know what its going to be like.

Lets just say we'd like to avoid any imperial entanglements

Horrible is a great adjective. It is one I seem to use with great frequency. Mainly because I can so many things off the top of my head that are horrible. NASCAR racing, horrible. NASCAR fans, even more horrible. Professional wrestling, so fucking horrible. By god I could go on for hours and hours. Thats another thing. At my work theres this dude who works at night who come in early and always puts on professional wrestleing. Oh my godddd. Really? were actually going to watch this fucking shit? Truly I would almost, almost, rather have nascar on and I fucking despise, abhor and loath that 'sport' with every facet of my being. I think that would probably be my personal hell, nothing to watch on TV but NASCAR and wrestling. I can already tell right now I am most likely going to be up into the obscene hours of the night pontificating various things. Oh well.

Whats that shit yall nigga smokin? Tical

Oh man. I wish I had a host of violent thugs I could dispatch upon all those who I perceive have done me injustice. Long horrible day with little redeeming qualities but such is the order of the day recently. The path to righteousness is clear yet I choose to not trod upon it. Mangled my toe in a vicious manner in a rage earlier in the day. Still I kind of wonder if the insult to me truly merited putting myself in such an extreme pain. The thing has been done with for several months now but I still refuse to accept reality and try to talk to her anyway and it still sucks. Fuck.

Tell me 'friend' when did Saruman the wise abandon reason for madness?

So I have been away for the past week in Merry old England the country of some of my ancestors. Times have been good sceanary nice and altogeather the experience a good one. Still I must return to the horrible grind next week and I find myself pondering the various things and issues I feel that need some resolving. All and all though it has been good to get away from all the horribleness of it. Pregnant women are wholly unattrative in my veiw. I know that is entirely out of context of what I am writing about but somehow I feel it worth mentioning. I find them entirely repulsive something that should not be seen in the open public. But it is all in the same vein I have a vitriol loathing and general distaste for humanity in general. But in a good way. I think I find myself thinking more about all the bullshit because I know my return is soon and all the issues confronting me before will still be there. I wonder how people put so much faith in the presidency in the office of one man to solve all the complex issues of a nation when governing ones own personal life seems quite a hurdle in and of itself. There is indeed only so much one person can do and the systems is already set up in a certain way.

General Lee I have no division now

Finally managed to awaken beofore noon. Even before ten. At an hour which to me might as well be the very crack of dawn, 8:30. Got to work out get things done. Chi levels have gone from being wholly nonexistant to rising ever higher every day. The date of my birth as on Sat and hopefully I can summon the interests of maybe some of the very few people I know to come and hang out and drink beers with me on said date. Even the most mundane and subdued celebration would be better then nothing at all. Absorbed in the hilarious world of warcraft two amassing large armies across the fields of azeroth. Good times may just be lurking ahead...

If you strike me down I shall become more powerful then you can possibly imagine

Native Americans really got the short end of the stick. In more ways then one. They lost all their land, saw most of their people murdered or killed from disease, and have become little more then a streotype in most depictions in American popular culture. At first they were the savages, little more then mindless attackers in various westerns. Recently though they I have noticed that they are always depicted as the wise men, the healers, the ones who have powerful insights that no one else seems to have. Even this though is a streotype. I was thinking it would be interesting to have a show that just shows them living their daily lives, sort of like an Indian 'seinfeld.' Just hanging out shooting the shit behaving like normal people. Of course indian culture has alot of mysticism in it but the whole thing is entirely overdone.

Impending doom

The feel of fall is in the air. The temps have gone down slighly and hilarity is about to descend upon us all. Thank god. Need to find a way to get back in the game. At least I have a few prospects that seem at least somewhat promising. Dont know how I got home last night or exactly what happened when I did get home. But its all good good times were had by all. Or where they? I think they were as I can't seem to remember any static. Then again I can't seem to remember anything. Social interaction is good though even though I am loath to particpate in it. Still this long strectch of involuntary celibacy must end somehow soon. Somehow. If only i were one of those Saudi princes with bank accounts with millions of dollars. I could have a harem with every type of broad I could possibly conceive of.

We went through all this fuckin trouble and someones skimming us

I find myself in somewhat of a funk. And not of the kind invented and mastered by such brilliant artists as James brown and George clinton but rather of the meloncholy nature. Not really a profound crushing sense of defeat, more of a subtle, general feeling of loathing. Oh well what are you gonna do. I was just thinking about goodfellas and what a brilliant and hilarious film it truly is. There are plenty of brilliant scenes in it but I think one of my favorites is after Deniro, pesci, and Ray liotta have beaten the shit of the guy in the club and stop of at Joe pesci's mothers house to get a knife. They end up awakening her and despite Pesci's plea that she go back so sleep she ends up inviting them in and making them all food as she hasn't seen pesci in a long time. As they are eating she ends up showing them one of her paintings. It is a portrait of an old man and two dogs going the other way. "One dogs going this way and other dogs going the other way and this guys like 'hey what do you want from me?" Pesci comments. "It looks like someone we know." Deniro comments as the painting bears a strong resemblence to the fellow presently in the back of their trunk.

Whoaaa

There was this movie a while back called 'what women want.' Some kind of Mel gibson viechle where he could hear what women were thinking. By golly that would be a diesel and hilarious skill to have. They are like the vietcong, mysterious guerilla warriors hiding in the dark jungles waiting to spring traps on you. I know their out there. Indeed a whole pleathora of people in the world are hooking up with each other all the time. The question remains is how. I need that character from that movie 'hitch'. Will smith the date doctor who just shows dudes how to talk to females. Ahh yes then I would be quite a happy man.

I've had the time of my life

Godamn you women with your soft bodies and intense allure. You intice us all with your mystique and yet you require such time and effort to obtain. You are the exact oppisote of your male counterpart, soft where the other is hard, mysterious where the latter is conspicous. Ughhh... I feel filled with intense loathing. You and your godamn vaginas and their intense appeal. I dont know right now it all sucks but what im trying to say is stop being so godamn enigmatic stop being so hard to understand. I mean what the fuck a decent chap hasn't got a damn shot in this town.
Word

Late night ruminations.

There was this girl at work that I used to talk to. I met her when I was at the deli counter and she said she wanted some roast beef. She wanted to pick it up later at 2AM when she was going to take her break. I had to inform her sadly that alas, by that hour all of the deli personell would have long since gone. She had a strange hairdo Amy, a kind of half mohwak affair that went down her back. That was what had intruiged me the most. I felt that someone with such an uorthodox style of hair would somehow share a similiar veiw of the world as myself. So I saw her later in the break room and we chatted and seemed to click somehow. I was somehwhat interested in her even though I knew she was seeing someone because she told me in one of our first conversations as a sort of offhand remark. So it was that we would exchange oucassional exchanges for a few moments when he saw each other. I always felt inspired somehow when I saw her my spirits were raised just a slight bit, and the world seemed to be ok. Still it was kind of strange she seemed somewhat inspired by me but after a while our conversations ceased. In part it was because I felt kind of strange after I got a girlfriend to be speaking to her. Its strange how the issue of sex seems to be a kind of impediment for men/women relationships. I was talking to a former friend of mine who espoused the view that there were no male female relationships were the male wasn't harboring at least some hope of banging the female. And it is easy to understand this prespective . Still it seems somewhat sweeping to say that such a union is entirely impossible and has never existed. In some ways I felt more intruiged by Amy then attracted to her. She seemed somewhat enigmatic and interesting. I had heard later that she got another job and it saddened me. Still for a few months anyway I felt that we had a sort of association that despite being breif had affected me strongly.

Its the end of the world

So I find myself teetering on financial ruin or at least right on the brink of it. Thanks to excess spending and several miscaluclations I may be without a single cent to work with in the coming week. I was thinking in my mind this game if what country people would be if they were a country according to their various personal habits and characteristics. I would most certainly be a tinpot dictatorship prone to unneccessary spending and coruption. Truly I just need to stop being such a godamn fucking idiot all the time. Went into work just to check my shecuduale and I could already feel the despair and loathing return as I entered. Bad times. I'm reading a good book though about a leader of Serbian death squads during the 1990s. Its about this whole career and the crazy life he led. Uplifting stuff. Hope may remain but I need to cut down on needless government spending and focus on the needs of the people.

We were fighting for our independence you were fighting to enslave us

I was just looking at some of my previous entries and noticing a penchant for putting words in the wrong place. I think maybe im typing too fast or perhaps not throughly reviewing my final product but it is irriatating. My brain aches as I attempt to wake up at some kind of normal hour. Twelve noon is not the morning. Normal people don't wake up that late still I persist. Feel tired but still not weary enough to pass out but without enough energy to do anything quite yet. Its interesting the kind of marketing schemes food companies use to make their products seem more healthy. Recently i've noticed alot of 'trans-fat free' or 'organic' on almost everything. From healthy things to bags of chips. Even though it is not explicitly stated that 'trans-fat free' is healthier it is clearly implied. Still I think for the most part organic things taste better. A good example of this is penut butter. There is definatly a noticable difference in taste between say Teddy organic penut butter and something like Peter Pan. Less sugary more dankess more square inch. Having a really hard time articulating myself on this fine morning.

Large ladies of lust.

I love big girls. I feel they are the unsung heros of our generation. Constantly derided by popular culture for not meeting the common standard of beauty they hold their own. And if you look at old reniassance painting and portraits of nude women back in the day you will find alot of very voloptous ladies. I feel this is good. Not to knock skinny women because they are also beautiful but there is something about a well formed large lady that inspires me. I just want to grab unto them and.. well I digress. But the point i'm making is that its hard being a girl. Constantly looked down upon by males, always being the focal point of sexual attention, made to feel unattractive in popular magazines, well by golly its a damn shame. Our women are beautiful godesses who deserve to be treated with respect. They are the givers of life, our mothers, our daughters, our sisters, and so forth. I'm just saying we should give big girls the respect they deserve and stop pushing unattainble standards of beauty down their throats. So heres to you large ladies for holding your own against bullshit.

Shotgun blast to the face

So I find myself because of a few i'll chosen remarks the cause of an internatinal uproar between myself and someone I never wished to associate with again. Random awakening a one thirty in the morning provides me with a reason to randomly post on this thing. Ughh. I thought I had it all down but again I begin to wonder where it all went wrong. Heading again down the wrong path. An evil path, a path wrought with destruction. Perhaps the answer is not as clear as I would think. Or perhaps its all in front of my eyes and I just can't see it blinded by my own feeling.

Prison gym

The things I like about my gym are the things most people would detest. Its not a place with an abundance of things like up to date equipment, cold water, or particularly well maintained facilities. Still it has all of the spartan essentials one needs. Treadmills, weights, and thats it. The building was constructed around 1908 I believe and for the most part the facade it the same. Old signs which look like they must be at least more the fifties adorn the walls completing the sense of the gym that time forgot. I was lifting in the weight the other day and one of the other regulars commented that it was a 'prison gym.' I found this amusing because I too have often felt this way when I was lifting weights. He was not even saying it exactly as a bad thing he was just saying that it had only the essentials. Someday if I become massively wealthy I would like to donate a considerable sum to the Somerville YMCA to help them make renovations and improve their infrastructure. Until then I will continue to enjoy my prison gym.

Wish I was in thrid grade

I was thinking about in the Odyssey and what a crazy tale it is. Of course it was written in ancient times which does much to explain its content. Odysseus kills all those assholes trying to court his wife after hes gone. Granted I would be pretty depressed too if some fuckers were trying to bang my wife but the dude's been gone for ten years. And indeed I would probably assume that he was either dead or fallen off the map during that span. Still to stay faithful for that long is also a tall order in my book. I need an endless bottle of bourbon which will continue to replenish itself after its gone. I was also reading that about alot of the grimm fairy tales. That they were watered down in their most recent incarnation in popular culture. That they were in fact far more grim no pun intended then one would think. More filled with images of violence and cruelty then would be conceived. I really don't want to get fired and I feel reluctant to quite somehow. At least in lieu of another job. Its weird posting all this shit on a forum where most probably won't know what the fuck i'm talking about but its a start. It helps to have somewhere to broadcast these thoughts to someone who might read it. Also need an endless bag of weed. One that would continue to replenish itself long after it was gone. I'm not sure really what the fuck is wrong with me. A horrible insatiable appeitite for destruction that I cannot seem to fill. Why can't I be addicted to running? or hang gliding? or something even vaguely contructive. I feel the need to do something extreme, some kind of abrupt decesion that would be wholly out of character for me. I was talking to my friend De'arro at work about working next to the girl that broke up with me and we replied 'why don't you just bag someone else'. Meaning get another girlfriend or a girl to talk to. He made it sound as easy as picking up a new pair or trousers. Maybe it is for some but i've never really felt that way. Of course its not entirely impossible its just hard when your still thinking about the one before. To just mindlessly move from one to the other that is the problem. I've talked to a few people and they all say the same thing find someone else, get over it somehow, build yourself up. I can understand the sentiment but its difficult when I was never that high up to begin with. Small setbacks like this tend to really put me back alot. If only it could just be nighttime forever and the sun would never rise. Nostalgia is a strange beast. We all yearn for something that cannot be had and we glamourize it as something it really never was. You hear sometimes people talking about the 'good ole days' before there was alot of profanity on tv an such. The 'greatest generation.' Still during those times of the 1940's and 1950's were not all good for everyone. Black people were being lynched all the time and had little civil rights. Two superpowers were at each others throats each one poised to completly annhilate the other. Still looked at in hindsight it all seems like an episode of I love lucy or leave it to beaver or another one of the contemporary programs of the time.

I've had the time of my life.

UGhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh the sentiment seemed to sum up the whole of my thought during the past few weeks. Staring into a black space with little redeeming qualities. Can either quite where i'm working or move on and try to deal with it. Still the job itself is feeling more and more unmotivating by the minute and the morons I deal with more and more intolerable. Tried to call some weird chatting service I saw on tv and I guess no one wanted to talk to me. Oh well their loss anyway. Fucking stupid bullshit. Wish I could just go to the firing range and shoot some pistols and machines guns at random targets. Feel generally depressed and depressing bored with my own benign laments. Its a story which has little merit or interesting aspects and one which I would be wholly uninterested in if it weren't my own. Even if I do get out of it this fucking job is going to drive me insane and i'm going to tell someone to go to fucking hell if it doesn't end soon. So many assholes, so little time. It truly all seems somewhat hopeless and insurmounatable soetimes a massive demon that cannot be conquered. I know some people that are my peers that have gone to other cities, other countries and accomplished so much more then I have. I have set the bar low for myself in pretty much ever aspect in my life and the results are quite noticeable. Little achievement, little follow through and even less motivation.

The Clark kent of our time

The feelings of flith and ruin have subsided somewhat. Replaced by only a general sense of loathing. I feel like a almost derive some sort of strange satisfaction in wallowing in my own misery. Its like a kind of crutch I hold unto, a kind of excuse for a lack of productivity and general moping. True it seems as if the times are difficult but perhaps as they say the trying times are when we are given the best oppurtunities to excel. I don't know if its just me i've noticed there seems to be a section of people in this world who enjoy giving other people derisive startes for no apparant reason. This woman at the Y where I go to work out is a prime example. Older lady maybe and her fifties or sixties, at the desk and whenever I go to give my card I am given a look as if I was the Devil himself. Sometime when I am heading upstair I will take a quick sidelong glance at the clock in the control desk and I will recieve the same glare as if I were some kind of shoplifter at a store. I can't tell if its some strange kind of personal bias towards me, sense I have had no real interaction with her at all, or perhaps some kind of general animous towards young people in general. Either way it irks me to no end.

Hilarious mid morning

I feel like ruin and flith. The chemicals I have consumed slowly secreteing from my pores as I stare into space pondering oblivion. I always wanted to start one of these things where you can just rant on and on about stuff. There may be a way somehow that I can redeem this day perhaps salvage something. My room is right next to a busy street so I can hear people walking by and cars going. It seems some kind of horrible injustice to configure a building in such a manner. For the past few weeks I have been like John wilkes booth unable to accept the fall of the confederacy. Spending long listless hours brooding in my room drinking, being generally unproductive. I feel a surge of apathy towards pretty much everyone and everything. Still this is no way to conduct affairs forever. Certainly don't want to end up like Johnny B. At least I feel doing this is somehow, somewhat, productive on some level. That some random person on the internet will read all this and find it interesting or insightful somehow.