Slow ride

John O'neil awoke on the floor of his living room the rays of the late afternoon sun rousting him from his sleep. If the state he was in could be called sleep. He got up slowly noticing that he couch was right in front of him and he was somewhere near the coffee-table. It took him a minute for him to get his bearing. The last thing he could consciously remember was entering an establishment with his lawyer Herb. He had already imbibed almost a bottle of scotch before that so the memory was already hazy at best. Something had happened in that establishment that much he was sure as he felt a cup over his right eye. He got up to examine it in the mirror, his clothes were still intact which was good, and his suit was only slightly disheveled. What the fuck happened last night? John thought to himself as he walked over to the liquor cabinet to pour himself a tumbler. It was the only thing that seemed to ever make the headache go away for him anymore. He opened the liquor cabinet and opened the mirror, something he instantly regretted. His personal appearance had gone rapidly downhill in the past month and now he could see it in entirety. In addition to the gash over his eye, which was not as bad as it felt, he had a week old stubble and large dark circles under his eyes. Not to mention his stomach which seemed to get bigger every day. He extracted the bottle of scotch from the cabinet and pour himself a generous shot. What the fuck have I become? He thought as he downed the glass. When he had been a marine in the pacific what felt like ages ago he had trekked miles and miles in the jungle with pounds of equipment on his pack. These days he sometimes had trouble making it from his house to his car. There was trouble looming ahead he knew as he poured another shot. He had been narrowly granted bail after being arrested and charged with labor racketeering and extortion but he knew it wasn't over. The Italians would suspect him and suspicion was all the pretense they needed to make a move. Also John knew his arrest was only the tip of the iceberg, that the hammer was more then likely about to come down on the union and the whole family. They wouldn't get the mob and corruption out of the union entirely but it was likely they would try. Vito had wanted to meet with him today and it was getting late. Fuck John thought. It was an impossible situation. If he met with him it might lead to him getting clipped, if he avoided him it would most certainly result in it.

I'm mad, i'm mad.

I was watching the show 'Gangland' on TV tonight and they were talking about the status of the biker's girlfriend in the gang. In the guidelines of the gang it says that women who are going out with someone in the gang are 'property', and basically goes on further about how they basically treat them like shit. However despite this one of the members said that women flock to them because of the allure, the power, somehow. Despite the fact that they are assholes to them they want to be with them. On another show a young women who is strung out on pills and drinking has a psychotic boyfriend who hits her and breaks down her door one time when he find it is locked. Something seems askew about all of it. Something wrong. Why are us men such assholes? And even more interesting why do women constantly date said assholes? It seems to defy logic and reason. People are fools by and large, sheep. Like when Lincoln got shot on Fords theater and it took the people in the audience a good ten minutes to react and go after John Wilkes Booth. Maybe it was just the pure shock but still. To me the mere fact that he was unguarded in the box to begin with with no real security to speak of in general is amazing. Granted it was the first Presidential assassination in American history but they had to have had some knowledge that there were people who there who wanted Lincoln dead. In fact during that era any person off the streets could come into the White house and gain audience with the president. Strange times that we live in these days.

Iglesias, Iglesias.

In first Lord Of the Rings movies Gandalf goes to confer with Saruman the leader of his order. He assumes that he will give him some kind of advice as to how to handle the problem of the one ring. As they talk Gandalf quickly figures out that Saruman has gone over to the dark side. To Sauron's side. Saruman asks Gandalf to join with him and Sauron to which Gandalf replies 'Tell me friend, when did Saruman the wise abandon reason for madness?'. I have abandoned reason for madness. I have thrown common sense and my own wellbeing aside and put in its stead insanity, and bedlam. Why do I do this? How does this make sense? Fuckin A. Can't even seem to talk to some woman online. Always got to be godamn competition. Nothing ever seems to go quite right.

No redeeming qualities.

'And I can remember after getting my 6th DUI and going to jail and losing my wife and thats really when I hit rock bottom.....' Chuck felt himself dozing off as he listening to the long sad tale that he had heard with some variation for ten years. The same story in AA meetings and later in his work. It was almost as if the whole thing were scripted, some kind of elaborate farce put on for some diabolical purpose. I'm a fraud, Chuck thought quickly gazing up to the clock. He suddenly realized that eyes were on him and he came back from his daze. 'Ok lets good Todd, does anyone else want to share?' 'Wait, what should I do?' Todd asked. 'Do about what?' Chuck waiting to form an answer before another girl chimed in 'What i've is that for my recovery..' He spaced out again. He had been nursing a blistering hangover for the better part of the day. At first it seemed like it had gone away but it seemed to come back in spurts. It was ridiculous he knew him standing here in front of all these people attempting to advise them on their substance abuse problem. He had been there before, and come back, and then gone again. He didn't hit the sauce like he used to but still enough to make him feel unqualified for the job. Still at this point he was skating he knew it all so well and they all seemed to like and respect him. Chuck opened his eyes, the girl was still speaking. They all seemed like shallow husks. People deprived of their drug of choice and the state of mind that accompanied it. She seemed to have been talking for hours, he got out at five and it was only ten past four. The hand on the clock seemed to tick by like when he was a kid in school waiting for it to get out. He knew he could not go on forever. He had already received several dirty looks from some of the nurses and staff when he came in with red eyes, disheveled, looking as if he hadn't slept in days. He would shrug it off saying that he was only 'trying out a new look,' but he knew they knew. Or at least has some idea what was going on. Still his co-workers had always like him and he always figured thats why no one ratted him out. He looked up at the clock 4:56, thank god Chuck thought. 'All right that was a good session.' He said and they started to arise. Shit most of them don't want to be there either, Chuck thought. He walked down the hall as briskly as he could without attracting suspicion. I'm a fraud. It hounded him in his head as he headed out of the building into the parking lot. It hounded him the very moment he woke up in the morning and set foot in the hospital. It haunted him in his dreams. That everyone his co-workers, the patients and everyone he worked with would be mocking him, denouncing him for his hypocrisy. He felt the sharp sting of shame when he woke up in the morning and remembered who he was. He walked out into the warm air, it had been blisteringly hot the whole day and Chuck pondered going to the local watering hole for a few beers. A few being probably at least five, six if he could afford it, and a few shots. The sun hit his eyes square on as he got into the car. This is longest fucking hangover i've ever had. If indeed he could remember the hangovers themselves because he used to remedy it with more drinking. Now he mainly drank on the weekends but when he drank it was always in large quantities. He pulled out of the parking lot unto the street. The liquor store was right across the street and he found a spot right in front. The Korean lady who owned the store always seemed to give him a stare of contempt. When he bought his usual six pack and three nips of whiskey. He walked into the store with a feeling of triumph and despair, triumph because he had made it through the the day, despair because he was going to the liquor store again. The air conditioning felt nice on his skin as he walked in, he always like to take a second to look around. The lady did not like that either. He walked to the cooler and got his usual six pack of becks and sauntered up to the counter. He liked to be especially nice to the lady, oblivious to her contempt. He noticed the lady had already had the three nips on the counter as he approached. She glanced at the six-pack and said in a derisive tone 'anything else.' Chuck smiled, 'Yes please just two of the beam.' She slowly moved over and grabbed the two bottles as if hoping he would just go away. She and rang in the order and he handed her the bills. She ponderously handed over the change. 'Thank you, have a nice day.' He said in a jubilant voice. He walked out taking two of the nips out of the back and into his shirt pocket. The heat blasted him as he walked out into the parking lot and got to his car. He unlocked the doors and opened them putting the six into the backseat. He got into the front and extracted a beer from the back. He opened it with his lighter and took a swig. What a day, he thought.

As far as i'm concerned, your fired.

People are fucking idiots. A prime example of this lies in history. During the first battle of the Civil war citizens, and various politicians from Washington gathered upon the battlefield to see the battle. During the Union retreat which eventually followed the armies got tangled up with the carriages of the spectators. Anyone who has a desire to actually witness combat obviously has something wrong with them. But anyone who has prolonged exposure to human beings has likely come to the same conclusion I have. That the average person is not particularly bright. Especially large groups of people. Angry mobs. No good had ever come from large amounts of people congregating with feelings of rage.

Nothing vanishes without a trace.

It was during the beginning of the third straight hour of Law and Order that Mike began to ponder how his life got this way. Sitting on his old couch with pizza boxes and cartons of Chinese takeout strewn across his room that he began to wonder why. At first he had refused to watch Law and Order refused to give in. But as he slowly became aware of the pitiful array of television programming offered during the day he gave in. He took a sip of his 40. The cold liquid felt good going down and the warmth spread to the rest of him. It was his second of the day and as he was halfway through it the effects were finally starting to materialize. TV was a strange beast Mike thought. Every channel seemed to be straight blocks of the same programming and all of the shows used in those vast blocks seemed to be the ones with the least artistic merit. Still he had slowly gotten used to Law and Order and gotten into the cases. Still it seemed strange that they had to run it so many times in the day and that there were so many versions of it. Damn I am so unemployed, Mike thought taking another long draw from the 40. They had fired him at the supermarket for drinking at the end of June and he had been just barely able to pay for the July rent. Then a few weeks after he had gotten his unemployment. Now as August approached he knew the next week was going to be tough. The endless commercials irritated him too, all of the ones for schools, and training programs. It was as if the marketers knew that a vast bloc of unemployed losers was watching TV at a given time and wanted to capitalize on it. Mike got up from the couch and found a few roaches from the other day on the living room table. They were small but just barely enough to satisfy his craving. He picked up his bong the ground and placed it on the table. Time for good times he thought

You are not sending me too the cooler

In the great book by Alex Haley The Auto-biography of Malcom X Malcom describes how he first started to become alienated from the Nation of Islam Malcom finds out that the leader of the organization The Honorable Elijah Muhammed was in face not quite so honorable after all. He had several illiegtimate children in the south from young women whom he had abandoned. At first he thought it was merely propaganda but soon after he went down and spoke to the women who had accused the Honorable Elijah Mohammed, He also found out that Elijah Mohammed had also been badmouthing him behind his back. Malcom had idolized Elijah Mohammed and had preached his doctorine for many years. He would begin many of his statements with 'the honorable Elijah Mohammed tells us such and such and had championed his ideals and grown his organization for the years. He later was further chastised after says the that assianation of President John F. Kennedy was an example of 'the chickens coming home to roost.' This remark eventually led to his censure by the Nation of Islam and eventually leaving the Nation of Islam to form his own organization and go on the Haijj. But I digress because the one thing he said after find out about Elijah Muhammed was that 'My faith was shaken in a way I could never explain.' I have felt that way recently. Got burned by someone I regarded as a really good friend when I was in a vulnerable position, A breach of trust unexpected and caught quite by suprise. Someone I knew and trusted for almost three years completely fucking me over for no particular reason at all. Its the sort of thing that shakes your faith in people in general and humanity at large. So many assholes. So many examples of cruelty and malice visited upon people all around the world. From small scale examples like mine to large ones such as totouturs, and evil dictatorships to child rapists and pepophiles. Like the 'doughboy' case in Greenfield Mass where a family had held a retarded man hostage for weeks toutureing him for several weeks. It was in fact a house a had passed frequently walking around the neighborhood. But there are always examples of good people sometimes but in the minority.