Love is coming to us all.

So I was thinking about doing some writing for a while now and finally i have managed to actually get down to it. Feeling low the past few days. Real low. Darkness, despair, drinking hoping that somehow that fleeing feeling of exuberance will cure what ails me. That ingesting something and feeling like shit and then doing it over the next day thinking it will be the cure. To fight fire with fire. So here I am at 5am just pondering what to do. What exactly is wrong. Can't seem to see through the haze. Got on this dating site and the hardest part of explaining who I am and what I'm doing. What am I doing? I really don't know. It saddens me this feeling. This utter detachment I have from myself. A feeling that I don't really care what happens. It reminds me somewhat of something Shelby foote said about Lincoln 'that he could remove himself from himself as if he were looking at himself.' I think in some ways thats how I feel. A lack of ego, of self-esteem, of pride. Something went wrong somewhere down the line and the shit just seems to come piling in. Sitting, stagnating, getting fat, old, useless. Eroding all my sense of dignity and self-worth, drowning myself in rivers of whiskey and malt liquor to dull everything. The pain, of what? Its not even fun anymore and the taste is fleeting. Feel disgusting and bloated every day and its just getting worse. Seems like everyone around me has confidence and know what they want but I just fall behind. Watching everything pass me by day by day not really knowing why. Why I live like this, why I don't want to move to do something with myself, to get out to live. Letting everything go to where I make an absolute fool of myself for no damn reason. Drinking just takes from you, at first it seems to give you things but then it takes. Until you don't know why your'e doing it but you still can't stop. Every day you wake up and you just don't want to. And people who know you ask you 'why are you still drinking?' and you can't think of damn good answer because you just don't know. And you just want to stop and just be like everyone else and just lead a relatively normal existence but you can't. And you can't just sip, or have a few beers like other people can. You have to swig, chug, and guzzle the stuff down as fast as you can. And the more you put in the more you want, but it never seems to fill the vast chasm you have inside you. Something missing. Something askew, but what is hard to say.